Make Your Play

Woa-hu-hoaw... long time no speak.

Now, it has indeed been a while since I last had one of those intense sessions of life evaluation. And you know what? I like that.

Reason why however, whether good or bad to the minds of yourself, is that I've made a neccessary mental cage, where my mind locked and my thoughts are my own. Sometimes my torture chamber, but most of the time my haven, as I can finally make those calm remarks upon myself.
With a Gap Year underway, it truly is an Express Rail to independence, and so it should be. I'm 19 now, and I trace back my years of 'adolescent development' finding the missing blank - me. I tried alot to make the great impression of others, going through the school years in battle, fighting over what personality should rule me:

The, "I'm ___ ________ , and what?"

Or the, "Your own, personal Jesus."

And in the end, I realised that a great sense of independence was lost, with a dollop of drama on top. Following to what sounded best to the rest, rather than sprinting down my own alley of ambition.
Right now, I feel confident. I feel stronger, faster, wiser, but most importantly, human. I liked by the stone-cold robotic for the benefit of the "Mess with him, you're dead" attitude everyone got, but my, oh my, did it leave me feeling emotionally troubled.
Hell, I was! But good thing now I can look at that old self and say:

"Don't you worry my young.. You've travelled far and hard, walked the line and sailed that ship, and you're 3 years closer to that island, that cloud, that castle. And I'm gonna take your weight for a while, and keep running hard until we meet again, just to say I'm proud, and it's been an honour to be your future."

I guess what I'm tying to say, is that this is a time for change. For all. To some degree, to some dramatic. But just remember, all that horror, and pain, and misery, that you carry at the back of your head will be nothing by a piece of ice, a piece of ice to your statue. And since it's already melting; why not make the water drip sweet instead?
This is a time to make yourself proud, and sometimes you may need to be a tad selfish to leap that dark, empty hole; but aslong as you haven't dropped anyone down there, you can't go wrong.

It's wise to be selfish with responsibility; that's independence.
It's sad to be selfish at other's expense; that's self-centered.
To sway blame on the world to excuse yourself; that's foolish.

Get on with whatever you wanted to do, and make it your own. Take the reigns and charge your horses to glory to claim the prize, but share your pride with them. As for if they didn't run for you, you'd still be in the barn.